this is but a place holder...

i give up.

many fridays ago, whilst ascending onto campus, enveloping the remainder of my high-octane espresso'ed chai, i began to entertain the idea of giving up on girls -- the predictably inconsistent and unreliable nature can bring about heart mashing disappointment of epic proportions. 'giving up' is usually associated with defeat, but at times one is presented with the option of cutting losses and retaining some amount of battered-dignity albeit in a diminished capacity. already this have been far over dramatized and i weave a web of woe with far more capulet-esque sadness than the reality dictates. perhaps i had been little bitter after being mostly-stood up for dinner the night previous and over reacted a bit. none the less, the idea was entertained for a moment or two or three...

looking towards the sky for some sort of divine perspective, i cocked my head and began to think -- perhaps being gay was not so bad; i could reasonably dress well, exercise impeccable manners and females would want to spend time with me and care for my opinion. as shallow as this pool of thought is, i poured into it as i continued to walk ignoring my immediate surroundings.

by no means is this a declaration of pursuits into new arenas, far far from it, i just may call the search party off for a while and refine where and what i elect to put myself into. i am but a singular with a finite amount of time, attention, energy and emotion.

i find that this already deviates greatly from my original intentions of a display of daily irony. continuing on, i quickly drown my female disparages in music. earlier that week i had purchased three compact discs that were all but tolerable, i was willing to allow the genere of hip-hop to redeem itself so i snatched two albums and made my way to the checkout. while waiting in line i inquisitively stared down at my cds, wondering if i held further failure in my mitts.

hearing 'next' in a distinctively feminine and sassy tone, i walked to the register still engrossed in the fate of my purchase. looking up, i saw an excessively smiling, wobbly-eyed, well dressed, mid to late twenties black male as his eyes absorbed me in true black hole fashion. his smile held like a father holding a squirming baby far above head. the transaction progressed at what felt like i could have gone through a human life cycle four times over as i responded to his somewhat probing questions. i thought to to myself -- mere moments ago i had just been thinking about being gay, i asked for this.

while strangely flattering/satisfying, gay males are not exactly whom i wish to attract. why is it that i can get all the boys but i cannot even retain arielle's attention long enough to return my lingering rings.

so far so good...